Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Want to know more about me?

My BFF sent me this, can you relate?


I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I don’t use lemon in my tea because usually it has not been cleaned and is full of germs.-Don't do it people....

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…

Have a wonderful day….


12 comments:

Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

That's really funny! I've received a lot of the urban legends, etc via email that are referenced so it really made me chuckle.

raulgonemobile said...

Funny..

I really crack up with the "you must send this to x number of people in y minutes" lines, too.

Missy said...

Oh yes, I have a filter on my email for 'those' people. Start debunking their emails and send reply to all ... they'll remove you from the list shortly:)

Chris said...

LOL!! It's amazing the stuff that circulates via e-mail and even more amazing is the amount of people who actually "pass it on" as some kind of truth! :-)

LMAO!!

morgan said...

That is hysterical! Could you imagine actually living like that? I figure I'm gonna die at some point and what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger. So on that note - can I have a Little Debbie, please?

KalaSpins said...

Hahaha. That is great.

For the record I do have the "Neiman Marcus" cookie recipe and regardless of its actual price or origin... those are FANTASTIC cookies!

Thanks for sharing! This made me giggle!

RunToFinish said...

OMG!! I am crackin gup that is so completely true

Marcy said...

Ooooohhh man that was good! HAHAH!

The Ginger Ninja said...

Hahah! This is so funny. I hate those chain letters...when they came in the postal mail and in email. When anything threatens me I delete it or tear it up. Which means i will be haunted forever by diarrhea filled doves for the rest of my life. :P

teacherwoman said...

LOL!

ShirleyPerly said...

HA! I'm sooooo glad my mom doesn't know how to use computers. She's germ-o-phobic and would probably send me this type of stuff thinking it was for real.

Nicole said...

LOL! I'm never leaving my house! GROSS!!! Oh they forgot about the BUFFET's!! Buffets are the grosses
of all....